Enough.

Enough. Enough. Enough.

Is that enough? Do we have enough? Am I enough?

My efforts. My possessions. My self.

Will "it" ever be enough?

The year of 2013 has been a year of committing to saying yes. To thinking Yes. To believing that YES, yes IT IS enough.

My efforts - no matter how minuscule, mundane, or insignificant - they are enough. Not perfect, not without fault, not without room for improvement - but they are enough. My home isn't always spotlessly clean or perfectly organized, but it is always warm. My fridge isn't always stocked with the freshest most organic-est produce, but it is always available to share with others. My efforts are enough.

My possessions - they are not up for comparison or competition with others (or pinterest, or blogs, or magazines). Period. End of story. I am free to appreciate what others have, but I will not compete or compare or wallow in discontent.  I am grateful for what I have because what I have is enough.

My self - I am not the sum of my efforts and my possessions. My identity is not based upon what I accomplish or produce in a day, nor what I spend my money on. I am Ruth. Plain and simple. I am enough. Even without make-up. Even without a distinct fashion style. Even without popular music knowledge. Even without the affirmation or approval of others.

I'm kind of amazed that I am able to articulate these things. And admit them so freely - without even feeling ashamed. Even a year ago I thought I was headed for a life-time of people-pleasing and self-promoting. That's the soul-leeching result of discontentment. I know it well. It's not very peaceful. It's not conducive to empathy. And it definitely does not cultivate gratitude.

Gratitude. That's where it all started with me. At the beginning of the year, I read a book that my mother-in-law gave to me: One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. This reading inspired me to make a New Years resolution that I have actually been able to keep. I resolved two things. 1.) Keep a list of all the "gifts" that I receive in my daily meanderings. And 2.) Pray a simple "breath" prayer of gratitude throughout my days.

photo compliments of Nicole Rule

Simple simple practices. That's where I needed to start. List-keeping and gift-receiving. My list is sitting on my desk now, and is waiting for me to write down the gift for number 443.

I had no idea how life-changing this simple discipline would be. Voskamps central challenge throughout her gripping account of struggling through life's losses and sorrows is to give thanks for everything. She illuminates the mystery behind the Christian practice of communion - the Eucharist - the elusive symbol of the body and blood of Jesus Christ. The ultimate picture of Grace - of Forgiveness - of Love. He gave his life - and He gave thanks. And it was enough. It was enough to satisfy the righteousness of God himself. And it IS enough. It is enough for me and all of humanity to be made whole. To be given the gift of Grace - to be Forgiven - to be Loved. Wholly and unconditionally. To receive and then share that gift with others, its such a beautiful thing. Our world could use more examples of gracious, forgiving, and loving people. Examples of lives that live louder than just words. Examples of men and women who live with consistent actions of grace, forgiveness, and love.

My most meaningful example of this is through receiving communion at my church every Sunday. This religious ritual has only recently taken on a powerful meaning in my life.  It really was just a ritual for so many years. But now, as I wait in line each week to tear off a chunk of bread and dip it in the wine - I am filled with amazement and gratitude that there is always enough for me. There's always enough grace for me. And enough grace for me to extend to others.

Breathing. That is my second resolution. Breathing. Such an important function for life - and so often taken for granted. In my massage practice this is something that I often coach my clients in. To serve as a catalyst for their own self-awareness. Taking a deep breath in.  And s l o w l y letting it out....and repeating. To bring awareness to the current state of being. The state of being present. In body, mind, and spirit.

Combining breath with prayer however, has been a new experience for me. One that has been gently encouraged by the writings and examples of my spiritual mentors over the last few years. However, it hasn't been until this year that I have actually been in a place of willingness and commitment to apply this discipline to my own life. Henri Nouwen insists that "prayer pulls us away from self-preoccupations, encourages us to leave familiar ground, and challenges us to enter into a new world which cannot be contained within the narrow boundaries of our mind or heart." (Reaching Out p. 90) And so I breathe. I breathe in and I say "Thank you Lord." I breathe out and I say "It is enough." Sometimes verbally - usually barely audible even to myself. But mostly I breathe in the safety of my own heart.  And it has been in that sacred, safe place where the change has been happening.

My own heart - its being renewed by these breaths. These breaths of gratitude. They have given fresh oxygen to my lungs. A deep and abiding joy in my circumstances. Breathing + pray help me keep my sense of rhythm. I acknowledge the gifts I daily receive from the giver of life. Gifts of life itself, of flowers, of mountains, of babies, of the elderly, of the refugee survivors, of lakes, of the ability to run, of birds, of farmers and their fresh market produce. And I am amazed. I am overwhelmed. It is not only enough - It is more than enough!