The Little Engine That Could

"I think I can,

 I think I can,

 I think I can..."

This is currently my favorite book to read to Caden. I like the rhythm of the words. But I also find myself a devoted admirer of the strength and resilience of "the little engine that could". I am thrilled that we were given the extended series of FOUR books that introduce the friends of the Little Engine who live in her train and encourage each other through various difficulties. Moment of truth: I am a little embarrassed to admit that I got teary eyes reading this section the other day:

"Chug chug chug UP the mountain....chug chug chug DOWN the mountain, went the Little Blue Engine."

"Puff, puff, puff. It has been a long day. She is getting sleepy. But she can't stop now."

Can't stop now. How does a child's book so perfectly capture the simple struggle to travel up and down mountain paths? To put just as much effort going d o w n the mountain as going UP?

A view of the majestic Mt. Rainier from the top of Mt. Si

One chug at a time....one step at a time...one day at a time. Resilience. Perseverance. Forward Movement. Ugh. Yes, I know, its exhausting. But I am gradually discovering that it is also deeply satisfying and exhilarating to look back and see where those individual, baby steps have led. I think about this a lot. Especially in the midst of my training for my upcoming triathlon on August 18th.

August 18th is a special day. It marks the one year anniversary - to the day - that I arrived in Seattle, knowing no one except Jesse, with all of our possessions in boxes, and being hugely pregnant - only two weeks away from Caden's life-changing arrival. I could think of no better way to commemorate this day than by committing to accomplishing one of my life-long dreams of completing a triathlon.

Ok, so this is view of Vancouver, not Seattle, but the point is the same.

Needless to say - this triathlon is a metaphor for my year. Swim, bike, run. It's been a lot to adjust too. Especially with a baby in tow most of the time. Finding a rhythm - a way to breathe - to face my anxieties and let them go is an on-going challenge. Some of the fears I've faced just in my training have included big questions like: "Am I strong enough?" "Do I have time to train?" "Can I really bike UP hills - with a baby?" "Does doing this even matter?"  "Am I -and my efforts- enough without all the fancy bikes/shoes/personal trainers?""Are the fish/bacteria/seaweed in Lake Washington going to kill me before I can even get on my bike?" Thankfully - my little steps - one at a time, have taught me that the answer is an affirming YES to all the above. (*Death by lake bacteria/fishes is still yet to be determined).

If the fishes/bacteria don't get me, lets hope the "deadly falling" also passes me by. 

I'm a very kinesthetic person. I often need to sort things out internally, processing the sensations of pain and stress in my physical body in order to figure out my thoughts. I have found that exercising is a great way for me to do this. It's a gift. To be fully present in my own body. To feel the struggle to breathe deeply and ask myself why? Where is the tightness in my chest coming from? Is it my muscles aching or my heart? Am I tired? Afraid? Nervous? Sad? Mad? Lonely? Its amazing to me what a little introspection can do to help me breathe. Especially when I first started running with Caden, I was just SO tired. So I ran/walked and I processed my thoughts. It started out of desperation and fear of succumbing to a deep, dark depression - but it led to running - not away from these fears - but right through them.

Believe it or not, I'm not a natural runner, its something that I have had to work at diligently. It's a rare day that I actually fully enjoy the experience of running - but it has taught me a lot about myself. I've learned that I CAN run with a baby. I can run in the rain. I can invite others to run with me, and even make some new friends that way. I can run at intervals. I can run at my OWN pace - and I can own my pace. I can run further the more frequently I try. I can "run with perseverance the race marked out for me" (Hebrews 12:1). And my personal favorite: I really feel GREAT after a run + shower. I need to be aware and reminded of these things. Because for me, its not just about running, or biking, or swimming, or even finishing a triathlon. It's about purposing to be a healthy person. A person who doesn't give up when the mountains look huge and overwhelming. A person who is committed to growth and change. That's what this year has been for me. One step at a time. In more ways than one. Swim. Bike. Run. Forward movement: the rhythm of growing, learning, and changing.

I really can't believe its been almost one year since we landed in Seattle. It's been a whirlwind. Lots of ups and downs and joys and sorrows. This is definitely not where I thought I'd be a year ago - I didn't even know we would be leaving Chicago a year ago at this time! I'm so grateful for the amazing people and community that God has brought into my life throughout this massive transition. People who have been tangible answers to my desperate prayers. People who have slowly become good friends who have come alongside me to encourage and support me by saying in word and in action "I think you can, I think you can, I think you can." I don't think I can in isolation. I've needed A LOT of encouragement along the way.

Just a few of my incredible and encouraging friends out here!

And I will need a lot more. There's some big changes looming ahead for the Chase family...they look like another mountain range. Jesse and I have been talking and praying and researching and planning a lot these days. We drew out our "road-map to age 30" this week and there's some exciting places to stop along the way with great views. Did I mention they are all uphill from our current vantage point? Stay tuned...more to come on all that later, after we get our hiking shoes on.