The Only Gift I Have

"Self-Care is never a Self-ish act. It is simply good stewardship of THE ONLY GIFT I HAVE. 

The GIFT I was put on earth to offer to others.

Anytime I can listen to my true self and GIVE IT the CARE it requires, I do so not only for myself, but for the many others whose lives I touch. "

- Parker Palmer (paraphrased from his book "Let Your Life Speak") 

 Self-care is becoming an increasing passion of mine. It is a new passion. Only recently have I come to the realization that having the ability to care for yourself is actually one of the greatest privileges in a healthy life.

Self care isn't something that I often hear affirmed outside of the flippant, "Take care of yourself!" phrase that is frequently thrown around in conversation amongst friends. But what does that really mean? To take care of yourself? To take care of My Self? Is there a sincere challenge calling out in those seemingly simple words? I seem to have spent most of my life equating that statement to be on equal terms with, "Have a nice day!" and "See you later!"

 Maybe some of you are better at this than I am. Historically, I have not been strongly suited in this regard.  Those who knew me through my college days bore witness to the peculiar way in which I tended to run myself straight into the arms of mono and hospital beds. Pure physical and mental exhaustion brought on by complete lack of self care. It used to take me about one year to run through a whole cycle of crazy busy-to-crazy sick. 

This summer I continuously heard the phrase "take care of yourself" earnestly and lovingly spoken to me from numerous friends who were urging me to not burn out. Friends who genuinely cared for my well-being. It was a statement that I needed to deeply hear and find a deeper understanding of its meaning.  I don't want to continue on the unhealthy cycles of crazy busy-crazy sick, and yet at times life just demands so much that adequate "taking care of yourself" seems utterly impossible. Trust me. I know. My passion for living life to its fullest often curtails the essential and life giving need of -STOPPING - to take time for personal rest and renewal.

It's been two years since my last episode of crazy-sick...which I recall as being my recovery after Caden was born. It took me a long time - several months - to bounce back after our major move, his birth, our second move, and all of the changes that came with all of that. I spent most of those months feeling like I was on the verge of a major breakdown either physically or mentally. I clung desperately to simple things like running in the rain, my infant son's smile, the natural beauty of the Pacific North West, and simple prayers like, "it is enough" and "thank you Lord" to get me through those dark days. Simple things that I used to overlook, take for granted, and pass by --- when I was too busy to stop.  The best thing that emerged out of that dark time was that I couldn't be nearly as busy as I was accustomed to. Having a baby greatly reduced what I could commit to and accomplish in a day. I had to learn to be satisfied with living life less busy, and along the way I discovered the gifts of beauty in the everyday ordinary.

And so that is how it was for awhile. Looking back now, I can see what a sweet spot that first year of transitioning into parenthood was. I kind of love the way a newborn made me slow down and gave me time to evaluate my life and enjoy the scenery more. However, since then, I have been noticing that slowly but surely I've been ramping back up to my previous levels of crazy-busy. I really do love it. You know --the adrenaline rush that comes when you commit to tasks that you hypothetically don't even have enough time in a day or a week to accomplish. Busyness is an addictive force in my life. The thought of possibly doing it ALL is just so exhilarating...until that actual day comes and the anxiety of trying to figure out how to get it all done nearly crushes me. Ah! Welcome to my summer! 

I confess: I did bite off more than I could chew this summer.  It was a busy season. The details don't matter and aren't the point; it will suffice to merely say that I am not actually superwoman, and I do have limits. It was a busy season. I felt myself pushing right up against those limits all summer. But I'm proud of myself for recognizing this summer as just a busy-season, it's no longer my life goal or life style to just be busy for the sake of being busy. I am purposing to take a more active responsibility for myself and am seeking to be a good steward of my gift of life. That is the only way I have life to share with others. 

After a two-week vacation spent camping with my family throughout the Olympic National Park and surrounding area, I feel refreshed and rejuvenated. Grateful and gifted. Ready to share life with others once again. 

This summer gave me ample opportunities to be the recipient of grace from others, which is both humbling and beautiful to experience.  This post would not be complete without a sincere thanks to the many dear friends (and husband!) who extended grace to me this summer and supported me through this busy season - even in the midst of their own busy seasons. You know who you are friends, thanks for helping me see who I am. And for that gift, I am truly grateful.